Diary

A piece constructed July 15, 2009.

diary.

first light.

i am…

i awaken to the work that awaits me in the daylight not far.

i take a deep breath.

my hands quiver at the loads they will bear in the nearest hours.

my fingers will drench in the water of washing and rinsing.

my soul shivers at the sound of the wind that blows.

my heart will be caged even before it can roam free.

daylight.

i am…

do i really deserve to be here?

my breathing consists of pure pain and grief.

my hair grows longer, but it is dirty and snagging.

and i watch the other’s adorn themselves in their lovely dresses

and mine fades and withers.

jealous? no. i, yet, wish to be dressed in a lovely gown.

in my mother’s gown.

and my heart is yet alive. still alive. surviving.

noon.

i am…

what does my name even mean?

i live within a world causing hurt and wounds.

surely, i was not made for this.

surely, this is not my destiny.

yet, today… i am living up to my name.

or so i’ve been told.

so i am made to think.

a wretched devil over my shoulder

an evil sidekick at her side.

and a tag along… oh, i loathe them all, really.

there is not enough love in my heart for anyone anymore.

or so i think.

today.

i am…

i scrub and scrub, down on my knees

even deep within my self, trying to be rid pain.

the tears fall silently down my face.

as i fall abruptly to the ground.

i’ve fallen, but haven’t even made a sound.

so no one has heard me.

no one can see me.

i am all alone.

this afternoon.

i am…

bending and crouching and hiding.

i am not able to be rid of the enemies that i live with.

my heart longs to be where my heart is.

but where is my heart?

i long to find it.

maybe one holds it.

i am not sure.

my fingers are raw to the bone.

washing and hanging and drying and folding.

and i continue the journey of this day with little hope.

evening.

i am…

rushing and saying goodbye to the ones who are the authors of my torture.

helping them and watching them steal the very precious things.

my very precious things that were given to me.

i have no chest full of beautiful things i hope to be.

all of my hopes and dreams, instead of being fulfilled, have been taken from me.

and all that is left now is nothing.

nothing in my hands.

nothing in my chest.

nothing in my heart.

tonight.

i am….

and i speak with more confidence as i find myself taking a step.

the step of direction.

the step in life that will take you somewhere.

yes. the step onto the carriage.

the step of my future. that is what i take.

it is what i have taken.

judge me. go ahead.

because i’ve chosen to awaken my dreams.

but tonight, i will be a belle.

a beauty.

midnight.

i am…

my heart has been found.

and also been torn to shreds.

i have my best of friends

he has found out of me.

the one i love.

yes, i am a peasant, worthy of nothing.

i must run.

i must run into the night

before i am seen,

before i am caught.

i will run into my bed of tears and brokenness.

the unshaded moonlight will be my friend.

the resolution of my story…

i have lost my way to your heart.

i thought i had found, but i have lost.

help me see. and bring me back the treasure i have lost…

and tonight…

i am… cinderella.

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